I am mad, that's a fact. Not mad as in angry, but mad in the kind of kooky, a little crazy, and totally neurotic about certain things (pink bookshelf) way. So given that I KNOW this about myself, one would think that I would be closer to the acceptance stage of it all. Closer to being okay with the fact that although I write 1 new page a day, I also usually erase one whole page a day. This process feels like treading water most of the time, and I am sure you call can imagine how treading water for 4 years can become kind of maddening. But the whole point of this blog, which I have dutifully neglected for a week, was to try and sort through the madness, is try to make my process a little less nerve inducing.
Last week while I was having lunch with a friend from school (goal met), I was complaining about this madness when she kindly reminded me that we all have a process. Her's involves reading for months before writing, mine involves writing, reading, and then rewriting until I get totally burnt out. m Different, but no less anxiety provoking. So I guess my point to this post, and excuse me if there is no point, is that even as I fulfill my challenge goals, I still must try to find peace with my crazy.
here's to hoping.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
8 pages too long?
At my last chapter meeting, I received back comments from all three of my committee members. I swear that going forward I am going to demand that I get these comments before the actual meeting, this way I don't have to fight back the tears when I see a HUGE RED X sprawled across the first 12 pages of my chapter. No, I am not being dramatic. Yes, I blinked back tears for the first 5 minutes. Yes, the X totally scarred me. Granted, the first 12 pages of my first chapter were a little extraneous. They didn't really need to be there and looking back I can see how they were just kind of distracting and annoying. All of the good stuff did come after page 12. But still, a read x? really? was that necessary? I have still yet to go back and look at all 120 pages of margin notes and comments, I fear that they will trigger some kind of PTSD. But what I did take away from the "X", that is when I managed to glance down at the page, was that I should have begun the chapter on page 12. Okay, not so bad. All I would have to do for chapter 2 was cut the intro. By this point I know what I should do in an intro: like I tell my students of academic writing the intro should tell the reader what you are arguing, how you are doing it, and why it is important. Okay, not so bad. I know what I am arguing, I know how I am doing it, and I think I know why it matters.
So why is my intro a whopping 8 pages? I kid you not, 8 pages. Should I be proud that I have managed to cut it down from 12? Should I try to revise? What's a girl to do?
For now I settle on pursuing my search for that perfect pink bookshelf.
So why is my intro a whopping 8 pages? I kid you not, 8 pages. Should I be proud that I have managed to cut it down from 12? Should I try to revise? What's a girl to do?
For now I settle on pursuing my search for that perfect pink bookshelf.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Home Sweet Home
This week I am meeting one of my goals of spending time with my family. There is something really nice about just being at "home", even if that home is 200 miles away from all of my books! However, getting in my obligatory hour of new writing per day is difficult. Even though nobody is home during the day and I have a nice office space set up in he guest room, I still have to fight the urge to curl up, watch TV, and sleep. What is it about being at my parents house, even at the age of 30!, that makes me want to veg out. I know that I am not alone on this, I have talked to numerous people who also admit to visiting their families and sleeping/eating the days away.
So the writing has been a bit of a challenge. I did however annotate one source, mentally outline my new prospectus, and do a ton of editing and re-reading. I also minimized my editing while re-reading by making huge all caps notes in the places that I know I need to go back to. I have also found a new procrastinating project: locating that perfect pink bookshelf (don't ask). So between the trips downstairs to supply myself with the endless bounty of snacks here, and meeting my writing goals, I have been pursuing the world wide web for the one item that probably only exists in my imagination. At least I know this procrastinating project won't be getting old anytime soon!
So the writing has been a bit of a challenge. I did however annotate one source, mentally outline my new prospectus, and do a ton of editing and re-reading. I also minimized my editing while re-reading by making huge all caps notes in the places that I know I need to go back to. I have also found a new procrastinating project: locating that perfect pink bookshelf (don't ask). So between the trips downstairs to supply myself with the endless bounty of snacks here, and meeting my writing goals, I have been pursuing the world wide web for the one item that probably only exists in my imagination. At least I know this procrastinating project won't be getting old anytime soon!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
What Donald Draper Taught Me
Those who know me know that I have a serious obsession with Mad Men. I have seen every episode at least four times and I never get sick of it. I love the furniture, love the clothing, love the tragic genius that is Joan Holloway, and of course, I have a serious weakness for Donald Draper (note, I don't particularly like John Hamm, just Draper). This obsession brings me to why I have not posted for the past two days. On Thursday I actually did do some serious writing. I can now live with my intro and I have made some serious connections across key terms, arguments, and chapters. In addition, I am just about done the first section of the chapter (I break each chapter up by way of three sub headings), and have sketched out tons of notes for the second and third sections. I also made it to an amazing gym class on Thursday called shred, need I say more?, and I also went to dinner and drinks with some friends. I got home super late and didn't have time to post but Goals Were Met!!! So that was Thursday. But what, you ask, did I do towards my goal on Friday?
On Friday I decided that I was just too tired to write. I also know that when I force myself to write when tired I usually regret it, in the 'i ruined the chapter, sort of way. So I turned to Don Draper. I happen to particularly love the first season of Mad Men and there is something really fun about turning back to the characters to look for clues about their persona's that will shed some light on how they develop in seasons to come. Its almost like rereading a book over and over and over. Last night I tuned into the episode in which Peggy Olsen gets her second copyrighting assignment for a female weight loss "machine". In the process of sharing her ideas, which are good but not great, Don effortlessly dispenses with the following wisdom: "Think about it really really hard for a long time. And then just forget it".
Oh Don, how you make so much sense! Suddenly I realized that I couldn't force myself to write when there was nothing there. My thoughts would come out overworked, overwrought, and as Don says a few episodes later, I would have "been selling to hard". The logic behind Don's genius is that you have to make the idea become a part of you, so that it then manifests naturally in copy or in my case, in an argument. I guess what I am getting at is the way in which I realized that it is absolutely crucial for me to take a step back and look at the world through the conceptual lens that I am trying to hard to create in this chapter. I am, after all, writing about race, photography, and politics at the turn of the century, and theories that I setting forth are not reserved to the years 1899-1903. I realized that like Peggy, I needed to start believing what I was writing, arguing, and creating and sometimes that is a process that demands that I stop writing and just live with these ideas. Maybe I am giving Don too much credit, but I like to think otherwise, this way I get to justify my obsession even more.
On Friday I decided that I was just too tired to write. I also know that when I force myself to write when tired I usually regret it, in the 'i ruined the chapter, sort of way. So I turned to Don Draper. I happen to particularly love the first season of Mad Men and there is something really fun about turning back to the characters to look for clues about their persona's that will shed some light on how they develop in seasons to come. Its almost like rereading a book over and over and over. Last night I tuned into the episode in which Peggy Olsen gets her second copyrighting assignment for a female weight loss "machine". In the process of sharing her ideas, which are good but not great, Don effortlessly dispenses with the following wisdom: "Think about it really really hard for a long time. And then just forget it".
Oh Don, how you make so much sense! Suddenly I realized that I couldn't force myself to write when there was nothing there. My thoughts would come out overworked, overwrought, and as Don says a few episodes later, I would have "been selling to hard". The logic behind Don's genius is that you have to make the idea become a part of you, so that it then manifests naturally in copy or in my case, in an argument. I guess what I am getting at is the way in which I realized that it is absolutely crucial for me to take a step back and look at the world through the conceptual lens that I am trying to hard to create in this chapter. I am, after all, writing about race, photography, and politics at the turn of the century, and theories that I setting forth are not reserved to the years 1899-1903. I realized that like Peggy, I needed to start believing what I was writing, arguing, and creating and sometimes that is a process that demands that I stop writing and just live with these ideas. Maybe I am giving Don too much credit, but I like to think otherwise, this way I get to justify my obsession even more.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Skipped a Post but Not a Goal
Well, the title of this post is sort of a lie......sort of.
I did skip a day of posting, but yesterday was filled with writing. The sad part is, that I failed to meet my "one hour of new writing goal". I just can't seem to stop re-writing my introduction to the chapter. This inability to "move on" until I have "perfected" my introduction is definitely a weakness. Just like I know I should follow an outline, I know I should write each section of my chapter and then worry about the introduction. After all, my chapter has been known to resemble a shape shifter: it starts out in one form and ends morphed into a totally different being. So the logical practice would seem to be to write and then revise the intro. However, I never said I was logical. So here I am rewriting this intro over and over and over. At this point I have 7 suitable introductions that will each take my chapter in a different direction. Maybe now is the time to give up academic writing and try my hand at authoring a "choose your own adventure book". What I have learned today is that my first draft (shocker!) was probably the best. Which means that I should be able to move on from my introduction, but I just can't! But try I must! So tonight I am going to try to put this pesky intro to bed. I am giving myself 2 hours and then I am washing my hands of it (at least until I get feedback from my committee which will inevitably instantiate a whole new onslaught of editing and revising)...
With that said, I did meet my body goals for the week. Today I ran for 3 miles outside (it almost felt like a fall evening) and I went to a pilates class on Sunday. I also plan to go to a Spin class tomorrow and yoga on Friday morning. I am also halfway to my socalizing goal (had dinner and what seemed like a never ending bottle of wine with a friend last night) and this weekend I plan on taking a few days to spend time with my darling niece Ella and my not-so-little brother who just came back from a 2 week vacation in New England.
So there you have it. My procrastinating seems to be down (although I did sneak in an episode of Khloe and Lamar this morning as I cleaned) and my ideas seem to be clarifying themselves. I feel stronger, physically, and am actually feeling good about being just three weeks from putting this chapter to bed - or at least a down for a little nap.
I did skip a day of posting, but yesterday was filled with writing. The sad part is, that I failed to meet my "one hour of new writing goal". I just can't seem to stop re-writing my introduction to the chapter. This inability to "move on" until I have "perfected" my introduction is definitely a weakness. Just like I know I should follow an outline, I know I should write each section of my chapter and then worry about the introduction. After all, my chapter has been known to resemble a shape shifter: it starts out in one form and ends morphed into a totally different being. So the logical practice would seem to be to write and then revise the intro. However, I never said I was logical. So here I am rewriting this intro over and over and over. At this point I have 7 suitable introductions that will each take my chapter in a different direction. Maybe now is the time to give up academic writing and try my hand at authoring a "choose your own adventure book". What I have learned today is that my first draft (shocker!) was probably the best. Which means that I should be able to move on from my introduction, but I just can't! But try I must! So tonight I am going to try to put this pesky intro to bed. I am giving myself 2 hours and then I am washing my hands of it (at least until I get feedback from my committee which will inevitably instantiate a whole new onslaught of editing and revising)...
With that said, I did meet my body goals for the week. Today I ran for 3 miles outside (it almost felt like a fall evening) and I went to a pilates class on Sunday. I also plan to go to a Spin class tomorrow and yoga on Friday morning. I am also halfway to my socalizing goal (had dinner and what seemed like a never ending bottle of wine with a friend last night) and this weekend I plan on taking a few days to spend time with my darling niece Ella and my not-so-little brother who just came back from a 2 week vacation in New England.
So there you have it. My procrastinating seems to be down (although I did sneak in an episode of Khloe and Lamar this morning as I cleaned) and my ideas seem to be clarifying themselves. I feel stronger, physically, and am actually feeling good about being just three weeks from putting this chapter to bed - or at least a down for a little nap.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Just Another Manic Monday
Today I knocked out 3 hours of writing. I, yet again, rewrote my introduction, so I am not too sure if that counts as "new" writing, but I'll take it. I am also realizing that I should add "will not edit while writing" to my goal list. So while I did manage to do some writing, I did NOT stick to my outline (there goes my "aha" moment). The outline is still there, lingering on the margins of my document, but instead of filling in each heading as I had originally planned, it keeps getting bumped further and further down on the page.
Tomorrow I am planning on just free writing on a blank document, not editing, no re-writing!
Tomorrow I am planning on just free writing on a blank document, not editing, no re-writing!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Aha Moment
Today I knocked out 2 of my goals! Here's a little recap:
After finishing my writing last night, I went to bed (after watching Eclipse, don't judge, the man in book culture assured me that lots of grad students love the entire Twilight Series and yes, I have read all of the books) and got up at 7:30 to do some serious writing. I knew I wanted to make it to a 12:30 Pilates class (mind and body!) so I figured that I could get in at least 2 hours of quality writing, some bad TV, browse on Etsy, check out house tours on apartmenttherapy.com and, have coffee run before the class. I am proud to say that I accomplished all of those things. However, the degree to which I did them successfully has yet to be determined. This success factor brings me to my "aha" moment of the day. While it is true that I wrote for 2 hours this morning, I was writing myself in circles. I couldn't find my argument, wasn't sure if I had an argument, and if my confusion was any measure of how my reader would feel, well, I was in serious trouble.
Now let me just say that I am all for "writing myself into ideas", and I happen to think that some of my most profound ideas (I conceded, that may be an overstatement) happen as I am writing myself into genius. And I am also not sure if I would be able to embark on this 30 day challenge or even have this "aha" moment if I didn't spend all of my time writing in circles. But this time, I have a deadline, and somehow the deadline made my "writing into" feel more like a maze that was never going to end. So, I did what I probably should have done the day I started grad school: CREATE AN OUTLINE. I am not sure why I have never followed an outline before, believe me, I wish I knew. But today I was determined. So I outlined away. I forced myself to make a really really good outline, which for me means a paragraph by paragraph outline where I write down the point, evidence, and analysis of each paragraph and include transition sentences. As I wrote this mega outline I found that some ideas had to go to the dissertation graveyard (a file which is now about 1,000 pages long) and some ideas totally clarified themselves. Now, if you are wondering how I got this far without making an outline, rest assured that I have plenty of academic-ish friends who swear that they can't follow an outline either. But I have come to terms with the fact that maybe I am just not one of those lucky people.
I have yet to actually follow the outline, but as soon as I post this I plan to write for at least 2 more hours and see how it feels. The outline may not be my ultimate "aha" moment, but I do think that there is something revelatory about realizing that what you are doing just isn't working anymore. But, this blog will remain an outline free -crazy circle-writing into myself space.
After finishing my writing last night, I went to bed (after watching Eclipse, don't judge, the man in book culture assured me that lots of grad students love the entire Twilight Series and yes, I have read all of the books) and got up at 7:30 to do some serious writing. I knew I wanted to make it to a 12:30 Pilates class (mind and body!) so I figured that I could get in at least 2 hours of quality writing, some bad TV, browse on Etsy, check out house tours on apartmenttherapy.com and, have coffee run before the class. I am proud to say that I accomplished all of those things. However, the degree to which I did them successfully has yet to be determined. This success factor brings me to my "aha" moment of the day. While it is true that I wrote for 2 hours this morning, I was writing myself in circles. I couldn't find my argument, wasn't sure if I had an argument, and if my confusion was any measure of how my reader would feel, well, I was in serious trouble.
Now let me just say that I am all for "writing myself into ideas", and I happen to think that some of my most profound ideas (I conceded, that may be an overstatement) happen as I am writing myself into genius. And I am also not sure if I would be able to embark on this 30 day challenge or even have this "aha" moment if I didn't spend all of my time writing in circles. But this time, I have a deadline, and somehow the deadline made my "writing into" feel more like a maze that was never going to end. So, I did what I probably should have done the day I started grad school: CREATE AN OUTLINE. I am not sure why I have never followed an outline before, believe me, I wish I knew. But today I was determined. So I outlined away. I forced myself to make a really really good outline, which for me means a paragraph by paragraph outline where I write down the point, evidence, and analysis of each paragraph and include transition sentences. As I wrote this mega outline I found that some ideas had to go to the dissertation graveyard (a file which is now about 1,000 pages long) and some ideas totally clarified themselves. Now, if you are wondering how I got this far without making an outline, rest assured that I have plenty of academic-ish friends who swear that they can't follow an outline either. But I have come to terms with the fact that maybe I am just not one of those lucky people.
I have yet to actually follow the outline, but as soon as I post this I plan to write for at least 2 more hours and see how it feels. The outline may not be my ultimate "aha" moment, but I do think that there is something revelatory about realizing that what you are doing just isn't working anymore. But, this blog will remain an outline free -crazy circle-writing into myself space.
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